We never have time for this anymore’ was one frustrating remark a father of two said while I was counselling him and his wife on a beautiful Saturday morning with a copy of the last week’s edition of Saturday Punch Newspaper copy in his hand. The frustration Mr. Richard expressed is valid and common. Late night, early morning, mid-day—no matter the timing, couples are constantly faced with ‘challenges’ when it comes to intimacy and lovemaking.
Although as a couple, lack of or insufficient sexual intimacy is a season that will eventually pass, the realisation of this is not the same between husbands and wives. While wives easily see this fact as a part of the family growth, husbands who are sexually wired completely think otherwise; they see it differently.
Before a married couple start a family, they have the whole time for themselves, but after the arrival of the children, combined with the normal workload, it is an entirely new ball game. The arrival of toddlers can have a negative effect on the couple’s sex life. Teenagers can be just as detrimental as well. While infants and toddlers demand the lion’s share of their parents’ time and attention, leaving them drained and sleep-deprived and not “in the mood for sex or intimacy,” older kids bring their own set of intimacy disturbance in a different way. So, how do married child-rearing couples make sex and intimacy a priority when no time is a good time?
Couples must realise that struggling to find time for lovemaking is a normal part of marriage. Although opportunities for intimacy arise when the spouses least expect them. But they need to take a close look at their schedules and deliberately set out time for intimacy. First and foremost, bear it in mind that there is a need to plan ahead, although while spontaneous opportunities for lovemaking are great, they are also not enough. These opportunities will not always be available and are not substantial enough to satisfy a healthy sexual appetite and intimacy.
Planning ahead should be paramount when it comes to marital intimacy. Certain things in the lives of a couple are negotiable such as where they are going to live, number of kids they want to raise and so on. A couple’s sexual relationship cannot be negotiated, even though this is often missing from the ‘to do’ list of an average couple, but we all know that this is the area where the greatest connection is established.
For instance, leaving office workloads behind and making a conscious choice to get to bed at an earlier hour means you both are refreshed and ready to make love. Send the kids somewhere safe and secure, then send yourselves somewhere sensual, erotic, sexy but relaxing. Sometimes, a simple change of scenery is just what brings the magic back. Getting away is really important, it gives you a chance to rekindle your sexuality without worrying about someone getting out of bed or knocking on your door. Spouses should not hesitate to grab the occasional overnights getaway, every available festive period, once in a while visit to grandmas, etc. Because the hard truth is that married couples still struggle daily to fit lovemaking into their schedule.
Couples should go where they would interact with no one but each other, able to relax, talk, and make love without interruption (or the fear of it!). Do you know that the mere thought that the door is not under proper lock and key can make a wife frigid for years? You will be amazed at the impact that brief time has on your relationship. It is in such places that public displays of affection are done without any inhibitions, whether hugging, kissing, or flirting. Too many married partners grow up in families where there is no display of physical affection. As much as this is not a substitute for sex, it has been researched that physical displays of affection can bring spouses closer and sustain their relationship through sexual “dry spells.”
An occasional overnight plan or a December getaway trip is a time for spouses to reflect on the various ways to enrich their lives. Since our spouse does a ton of things for us, which we too often take for granted. Little things husbands do such as taking care of the electrical work, fixing leaking roofs and toilets, helping to drop the children off in school combined with the huge responsibilities of work at the office could be well appreciated at such occasion of vacation. Wives also make huge sacrifices every day; they shoulder responsibilities; too many women have jobs outside the house and a full-time jobs inside the home. Most women do the lion’s share of housework (statistics back this up, by the way). They are saddled with most of the child-care issues and household duties. So, an occasional overnight festival getaway trip is one way to not only appreciate each other but to also rekindle sexual intimacy.
Planning a December getaway trip also helps to provide varieties of recreations for the typical Nigerian couples. Some leisure gateways offer some show or concert. They sometimes team up with gifted and creative performers to just create fun and relaxation.
Such trips sometimes provide assorted books for couples who find pleasure in reading. This is where some of the spouses could just reactivate their childhood desires. For instance, I know a particular husband who derives pleasure in reading a book of short stories aloud to his wife. I encouraged him to take his wife for a vacation, which he did. He came back with a refreshing look and disposition and this is what he told me, ‘In fact, both of us tried different voices for the characters in the book. Then we talked about what we both liked about the story and what we both did not like. This made us to recapture our childlike nature and for once, we really felt so close to each other. And of course madam, sex during that period was just too great, highly passionate and very erotic. We plan repeating this as often as possible.’
An occasional overnight getaway trip provides couples with the choice of food varieties to boost their sexual appetite. It provides couples with the opportunity to think about one of their favourite dates, outings or activities before marriage that they do not get to do anymore. Couples can talk about the activity, why it was so special and what it meant to each person. At such occasion, spouses could discover new things about their partners that attracted them specifically.
Couples should make sure to bring nothing on board. Most getaway ships or cruise make provisions for everything needed, such as snacks, movies or games, candles, daily needs and many beautiful souvenirs.
An occasional overnight getaway trip provides couples with the opportunity to just leisurely watch others and be creative about life. In most of the getaway centres, couples can just stroll to a park or a shopping mall.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
I am miserable in bed. What should I do?
My wife is a successful, assertive business person. I am thrilled that she is fulfilled in her work, but she brings that same mind-set home. I can handle the way she manages the household, but not the way she dictates the terms of our sex life. She schedules our sex, as if it is part of her agenda to be completed between the weather report and “main points.” Her self-driven nature may work greatly in the business world, but it fails miserably in bed. What should I do?
Mr. Ajuwon, Kogi
Sex should be driven primarily by your relationship, not a production quota. If either partner makes sex a control issue, intimacy goes off the bottom of the profit chart. Your wife’s controlling style has worked well for her on the job, and it is hard for her to relinquish it once she gets home. These same controlling behaviours also protect her from relational and emotional issues that are less comfortable for her.
It might be a good idea to borrow the terms and methods of relating in the business world, where your wife feels comfortable. Start “speaking her language” by making an appointment with her, through her support staff. When you get together, have a written proposal for her to consider. Begin by affirming her as a successful executive, telling her the things you mention in your letter to me. Next, assure her of your support and love (you are not staging a walkout). Then ask her to consider your point of view. Make this statement appropriately clear: You want to have a closer relationship with her, to be emotional and intimate. Let her know you feel unfulfilled, disregarded and relegated to the status of just one more agenda item. Tell her you want a sense of mutuality in your sex life. Finally, propose a new “contract agreement” that would restore romance and warmth into your partnership. That may require some lunch meetings or weekend conferences in one of the eateries!
At the same time, get your wife’s input about how she would like you to be as a husband. She is an assertive person who is used to taking control. She may be waiting for you to exercise more strength. Even strong women like to be able to lean on their men.
My husband turns down my sexual demands
My husband and I have a one-year-old son and for months, my husband has had no interest in sex. I am always the initiator and he turns me down with excuses about being tired or having financial worries. I wonder what it would be like to be married to someone who made me feel wanted and beautiful. What do you suggest?
Mrs. Uche Martins, Cameroon
There are many reasons why a husband may lose interest in sex. Fatigue and financial worries are legitimate causes for many men. However, you also seem to connect his lack of interest with the birth of your baby.
Pregnancy and delivery of a baby cause more than just abdominal stretch marks and post-partum depression for the mother. New dads get their own set of psychological stretch marks that can make sex less appealing. A father often reacts to the invasion of his space by a competitor. Suddenly he does not have you all to himself. Here is this other little male getting time at your breast. The baby puts new time constraints on both of you. Your focus of attention and affection may have shifted toward your son. In addition, your husband knows that, as a father, he is not supposed to feel jealous of his own baby. Nonetheless, subtle resentment can develop.
Another factor can be a husband’s unconscious compartmentalisation of “mothers” versus “sexual playmates.” As a mother, you have moved onto a somewhat sacred, revered pedestal outside the category of women who are sexually stimulating. You may have encouraged this attitude if you wanted a break from sexual play after childbirth.
Remember how you felt about the changes in your body during pregnancy? Your husband may have had some strong reactions, too. Men can be easily offended about stuff like labour and delivery, episiotomies and lactation. The idea of getting you pregnant again may have cooled him on intercourse.
Talking these things through is best, but if he refuses, there are other things you can do. First, try to decrease his life pressures and financial demands, since these are the excuses most men give. Second, try to find out if he has emotional needs that have been left unmet since the baby came. Third, work toward regaining your figure and your playful, romantic and sensual availability. Fourth, make babysitting arrangements, kidnap him to some romantic spot and seduce him, big time. Finally, let him know he is still your sex hero. However, if you are wondering what it would be like to be married to someone “who made you feel wanted and beautiful,” you could be vulnerable to an affair. Please, be careful! Do not make the mistake of thinking you can listen to someone complimenting you about how beautiful you are and not be lured into trouble. Make a firm decision ahead of time that you will not let your vulnerability trap you into a compromising situation.
Is semen a good skin moisturizer?
Dear Funmi, I have this terrible skin rashes that refuse to go despite all applied medications. Recently, someone introduced me to a natural moisturizer which happens to be his semen. He insists it is one of the best skin moisturizers; please help me out. Is this a fact, truth or a myth? Also, I like to know if after each orgasm, you have to see semen?
Mr. Goke Osho
This is actually a myth. There’s no evidence it works. And in actual fact, it could do more harm than good. Proteins in it can trigger a rare allergic reaction. This will cause pain, itching, burning, and swelling rather than heal any skin rashes. Since the exact makeup of semen varies from person to person and from one time to the next, a semen allergy can crop up while you are using it for a skin infection. What sperm does is that it carries the chromosome of gender, from the man to the woman. The dad’s sperm carries either an X or a Y chromosome, and there are about the same number of each. Y-carrying sperm swim a bit faster, and they don’t live as long. Sperm can stay inside a vagina for several days, but if they’re outside a body, they become watery. It is made up of only 5 per cent or less of your semen. It also has amino acids, protein, sugar, and minerals to nourish sperm cells. You also want to know if an orgasm means you’ll see semen. If nothing comes out when you climax, semen could be going into your bladder. It’s not dangerous, but you may want to check with your doctor or a specialist called an urologist, especially if you’re hoping to become a dad.
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